I was sitting at my dining table stool, high up on the 32nd floor of my apartment in Vancouver, doing something I can’t quite remember on my little gold MacBook. It was a bright blue sky kinda day.
Suddenly, I heard a strange noise. I looked out of my floor to ceiling windows; I noticed nothing different. Until my eyes were drawn to the vertical blinds I had bunched together with a beautiful blue napkin ring from Morocco. They were swaying back and forth. The noise was coming from them; rattling as they hit the side wall and swung back, like a pendulum. At the same time, I felt the entire building begin to move. It too was swaying! It was surreal.
At first, I didn’t know what was happening. It took a few seconds for me to realize I was in an earthquake. A wave was shaking the earth way way way below me and I was up high, swaying like a butterfly without wings.
In that moment, I took a big breath and then felt a beautiful pure sense of calm wash over me. I looked over at my cat Phoebe, my white fur ball friend who had traveled to the other side of the world with me, and I smiled. I was happy. I was purely happy!
Not because I thought I was going to die; but because I thought: “Everybody I love knows how much I love them!”
I had nothing left unsaid. I had left no conversation with any loose ends, no one I had to clear up any misunderstanding with, no one I needed to apologize to or “forgive”. I was at peace in all my relationships. Including myself. Everybody I loved knew how much I loved them. Including myself. So, if I was going to “die”, I was going to die happy.
That was a very profound realization for me. I was so happy that I couldn’t resist the big smile that broke out across my face. 😄
Sure, there were more experiences I wanted to have, more places to visit, more friends to meet, more songs to dance to, more art and business to create. And more love to make. But there always will be more. That’s part of the purpose and joy of living!
But to know, that at any moment, if I transitioned (term I prefer instead of die because we are eternal), my relationships, current and past, were exactly where I wanted them to be; full of love.
No regrets. That’s a good way to live.
With love,
Jenny X
Photo cred: Jenny Xenos. Vancouver skyline from my apartment.